New Years Eve...Mom's Birthday

So it is new years eve, and also my mom's birthday. She is 40 today. I had to go rent some movies for her. She wanted chick flicks, which are always good when your in that mood. Well I took my brother with me, he is 16 and thinks he is the shit because he has been driving my mom's truck around without a permit. He was an ass hole the whole time he was with me, then got pissed off when I made him pick up the skittles he spilled in my car. I hate how he has been lately. He won't even stay home with my mom tonight he is going out with his girlfriend. Fist girlfriend of his that I have actually liked. She even told him to stay home but no he wants to be out. I swear he is a jerk lately. I think maybe some guys have PMS too.

Ashleigh

I have this old friend. Her name is Ashleigh. She is the cousin of the guy I lost my virginity to. I have lost touch with her, but I really would like her to be in my life. I miss her and our talks and how we used to talk about just everything. Well I have to make this decision, about letting her back into my life. But now it isn't just back into my life. It is into the life of my son. And the life of my daughter. And the life of my Jon :). Thing is she is using. I am not sure what she is using, but I know she is. She can deny it all she wants, but she forgets that we talk to the same people. I am good friends with her sister. I am just, I don't know, worried that she will never recover. Even after having to be clean while locked up, but if she keeps going out with the same guy that got her hooked this is going be a down hill fall into a pit of ugly. I miss her. And I want her to be in our lives but I just don't know how to let her go or let her in. ADVICE!

No Baby Yet

The doctor said that I can't have my little boy yet. No fair. Oh well I had a long day. I am tired. I seem to get more and more tired and all the sleep in the world isn't helping me here. I need some help with this one.

Baby???

Had Gracie to myself all day today :) I was very happy. I got to get some sleep in while she took her nap that was great. I am still so exhausted though. I would have been asleep already except I just got home because the family was invited to a birthday party at Chucky Cheese. Gracie had a blast. I feel funny now though. I think I am having contractions but I can't be too sure. I would be so happy if my baby boy came tonight. That would be amazing. Well that's about all I am really super sleepy.

I know that I get mad at Jon all the time for playing that game when I really just want his attention. But I also know that if he were to die right now I would give anything to just have one more day to st next to him whether he is playing the game or watching a movie with me. I know I would give anything for another look from him, I am crying just thinking about it. Stupid hormones.

I Thought This Was Christmas BREAK?

So I am at my mom's right now and normally that wouldn't be so bad because I took the day off. See she runs an in home daycare and a wrestling team. Well I work for her, but took today off, and Jon thought he had the week off from wrestling practice. Of course not, my mom had this crazy idea that she could hold the practices here instead because her gym is locked for Christmas break. Break my ass..no break for her. No fair. Since I am so close to having the baby I am not allowed to be alone, say Jon and mom. Anyway, I had the idea to fake going into labor and then be like oh it was just an uh oh. I could pull it off..but that would probably jinx me.

Another Day of Crazy

Today Jon and I woke up at around 12ish and went to my mom's to pick up Gracie. We stayed there for a while. Then we left, got home and loaded the car with laundry, went to Walmart for fabric softener and laundry soap, and then headed to the mall to do some shopping. I was having a really good day until we got home and then Jon turned on his stupid video games and now every other word out of his mouth is "FUCK" or "GOD DAMMIT". I am so sick of that game. I wish I could just throw it off then balcony and let it be done. Gracie wants attention from him, which is no surprise since we just got her back from Tori, but all he cares about is that game. Every free second he has revolves around that game. I asked him to watch a movie with me once and he said he only cared about the game right now. I ask him to change a diaper, his daughter's diaper, and he says "Baby can you do it I'm kinda busy." I miss the time when he actually cared about something other than a video game. Maybe when this baby comes he will realize that there are more important things in life than a game that will only take your entertainment so far. Of course he leaves it up to me to keep our place clean and Gracie changed and fed. I remember one night that I was so mad at him I just went in our room and shut the door. Gracie kept crying ad wanted attention, he just ignored her. I am so tired of being the one to take care of her, I mean I love her to death but there has to be a point in time when he realizes I am not going to do this on my own. If he is like this when the baby comes I know I won't be able to stay with him. I refuse to take care of two babies on my own, especially when their dad is here and perfectly capable of helping. Am I wrong for being this way?

Christmas Day

I had a pretty good Christmas. I felt bad that I couldn't get anything for anyone. But in the end it isn't really supposed to be about the gifts. It is more about being with the people you love most. Tori dropped Gracie off today and I was so happy to see her. I had to laugh at what she was wearing. A long sleeved shirt for a 2 year old. A sweatshirt for a 4 year old. And this is the funny part pants for a 6-9 month old. And even funnier is the fact that she is only a year old. The hair tie she had in her hair was way too tight so it was red and bumpy and she had a dirty diaper. If that doesn't sound like bad parenting to you then give me an example. Til then she is a horrible mom. Anyway. When we got to my mom's for Christmas dinner..uh lunch..Gracie was so fascinated by the toys in the presents that she didn't even finish unwrapping them before she started playing with them. Tickled my heart to watch her. Man I love that little girl. She was so happy to be home, I should have video taped her playing when she first got here and I got her all cleaned up and cute again. And Jon was just having a ball playing with her. I wish I had the energy to play with her like that. I will again after I have my baby. So all in all today was a pretty good day. Merry Christmas to all of you who follow me..

Christmas Eve

It feels so weird not having Gracie here with me on Christmas Eve. Tori called Jon and left a message saying that if he didn't call her back she wasn't going to return Gracie tomorrow like the court order says. I hope she goes to jail for a long time. Maybe her other two kids will be placed with people who can and will raise them right. I am just mad that she gets away with so much and gets a slap on the wrist and more time. It is stupid.

Now That I Stopped Crying

I couldn't finish my last post because I started crying and I just couldn't handle it. Now that I got that out of my system maybe I can finish getting this out. Without Gracie here I just feel like part of the family is gone. Like a piece of my heart is missing and I can try to distract myself with all the things I love, but none of them seem to help me much when I am always distracted by Gracie when she is here. When I do a puzzle she is on my lap helping me (trying to eat the pieces). When I am reading she is turning the pages, before I am done with the page I am on. When I am painting my nails she is sticking her feet in my lap to have them painted too. Cleaning up is like walking backwards, I fold she throws..and so on. Now the clean and the quiet and the finished books and puzzles...it just doesn't make me as happy and she does. I know I still get my days with her but it isn't enough. Especially when I know that the woman who gave birth to her is only doing what she is doing to piss off Jon, to get a check, who knows what else. She lost custody for a reason why is she getting it back after all this time and no proof that she is going to stick to court order. She has been defying it so far, why did that judge grant her anything. This is going to throw her off schedule so bad and when she comes back she is going to be confused and cranky..I hate this.

December 23, 2010

So I am just really upset. I know that Gracie is not my daughter, because I didn't give birth to her. So yes I guess in that sense she is not my daughter. But if anyone saw the way she looks at me when she is with me, you would see that she is my daughter. Whether I gave birth to her or not. She loves me just as much as I love her. Now for my fear. Gracie is going to be with Tori Wednesday morning through Saturday afternoon. I am so scared that she is going to bond with Tori and not love me anymore. Why am I so afraid that she is going to love me less. I am good with her. I love her. I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts to try not crying. I have to hold it back, but I can't do it anymore. I keep hearing her crying in her room for more water in her sippy cup, why does it have to hurt this bad. How can a woman who commits fraud and infidelity and a whole list of other things keep getting what she wants. I don't understand. I don't like it. I just hurt so bad right now and it isn't even coming from the pregnancy, this is worse pain on top of that pain. I just don't know how to talk to Jon about it. She is his daughter..technically not mine. I just want to stop feeling so bad. I want Gracie back.